


even if i tried, even if i wanted to

by feelingsmall79



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-23 23:20:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2559512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feelingsmall79/pseuds/feelingsmall79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i could be your morning sunrise all the time</p>
            </blockquote>





	even if i tried, even if i wanted to

Josh knew this was coming.

He knew it was coming, but that doesn’t make it any easier when Tyler runs away from him across two lanes of snowy traffic because a woman with a sour face muttered, “Faggots,” while they kissed in the middle of Times Square.

Josh had tried not to tense when he heard her poison muttering, hoping that Tyler, fragile Tyler, unsure Tyler, soft and vulnerable and so desperate, wouldn’t hear. Tyler, who had curled shaking in Josh’s arms for four hours after they had come out to their parents six months ago. Tyler, who had locked himself in a bathroom and sobbed for six hours on the afternoon that some idiot in the locker room punched Josh in the face for “checking out his ass.” Tyler, who, in spite of these things, had gotten down on one knee with a bouquet of roses and a Ring Pop and asked Josh to Winter Formal in front of half the school during lunch one day in November.

They had both wanted to come out, for more than a year before they did. But the burning desire to hold hands and share kisses and make tangible the heady sense of _minemineminemine_ they both got when they looked at each other was not enough to drown out the pain that came with the reality.

Because their parents had accepted them, but now Tyler’s dad sometimes made jokes about how he wasn’t “a _real_ boy.” Because their friends accepted them, but sometimes Andy would call them fags and then patch it up with a, “Geez, I was only kidding you guys. Loosen up.” Because their teachers had accepted them, but two weeks ago they had been kicked out of Winter Formal for sharing a chaste kiss on the dance floor, while the couple next to them had their hands up each other’s shirts and were grinding like they were preparing to film a porno. Because Tyler and Josh loved each other like tornadoes and thunderstorms in the middle of summer and hot asphalt afternoons and New Orleans jazz and everything good and everything pure, but somehow what they had was less worthy than the girl with a black eye and the boy next to her sucking down a cigarette.

When his mom had suggested they bring Tyler along on their holiday trip to New York City, Josh had jumped at the chance. The chance to be real, to be open, to be Tyler’s Boyfriend in every sense of the word, and not have to worry whether the people around them would tease them at school the next day.

And so far, it had been bliss, for both of them. Though they had been openly dating for about four months now, this trip was the first time when Josh had felt – normal. Normal in the best possible sense. Because they had gone ice skating together and Tyler had held his hand and kissed his pink nose and cheeks when he fell for the fifth time, because they had fed each other chocolates and smeared the leftovers on each other’s cheeks in a café yesterday morning, because they had shared a hotel room and fallen asleep to the blue glow of the television and the sound of New York outside their window, safe in each other’s arms. Because they could be together, in a way that they had never felt comfortable with back home.

Until now.

Until tonight, Christmas Eve, when everything has been perfect and snow is falling down around them in the halo of neon lights and the Times Square tree is glowing like the hope for a better tomorrow and people are caroling and Josh can hear Louis Armstrong crooning, “What a wonderful world,” over nearby speakers and Tyler’s mittened hands are rough against his cheek and his mouth tastes like peppermint hot chocolate and he’s wearing the beanie that Josh got him for their four month anniversary and everything is warm and glowing and they are alive so _alive_ and _so in love_ – 

And then this woman finds the need to tell them exactly what that love makes them, and in spite of Josh’s best efforts, Tyler tenses. Pulls away. Looks down. Josh can feel him shaking already and he desperately tries to salvage the situation. “Tyler – Ty – ”

But Tyler is gone.

He’s darting off through the crowd, smaller and faster than Josh, and then there’s a heart-stopping moment where Josh thinks that he might run into the road while cars are still rushing past, but then the light changes and Tyler runs across the street safely.

Josh is trying to choke down his panic, but it’s difficult to not loose it completely and start screaming after Tyler. He has no idea where the other boy is going, but it’s Christmas eve in Times Square and Josh can’t help but think how easy it would be for Tyler to disappear completely in this insanity.

So he runs after him. Faster than he’s ever run in his life. He runs into three different people, might even knock one of them over. But there is no time for apologies or even sympathetic glances because the love of his life is getting further ahead of him in the crowd and Josh did not go through months of secret hand-holding and “no we were just watching a movie not cuddling” to lose Tyler here.

Finally, when it feels like his lungs are about to burst and he’s feeling horribly hot in his thick jacket and gloves, Josh sees Tyler stop. He just…stops. There’s no reason that Josh can see. They are on a street that’s fairly similar to dozens that they’ve passed during their stay in New York, snow still falling around them, couples on the sidewalk skirting around where Tyler has half-crumpled against the wall, shops throwing soft glows onto the new snow buildup. It’s a pretty street, Christmas lights twinkling on tree branches, and even the steam drifting up from the manhole covers in the street somehow looks romantic.

But Josh has eyes only for Tyler. The boy is leaning against the brick wall, his collar pulled up close to his neck and his mittens braced on his thighs. Josh can’t see his face, but as he draws closer, he sees Tyler’s entire body shaking and thinks he might be crying.

“Ty?” he says, and his voice sounds choked even to his own ears, breathless and uncertain and terrified. “Are you – what’s wrong?” His voice cracks on the last word, and it’s stupid because he knows _exactly_ what’s wrong, but he doesn’t know what to say and he has to start somewhere.

Tyler stays hunched, not raising his head or giving any indication he even heard Josh. After a long moment Josh opens his mouth, to repeat himself or reassure Tyler or _something,_ when Tyler speaks.

It’s muffled and he still hasn’t raised his head and Josh has to say “what?” two times before Tyler finally raises his head, still not looking at Josh, and says angrily, “You deserve so much better than this, Josh.” Tyler still isn’t looking at him and Josh feels a sort of desperation. “Let’s be realistic. You deserve better than me.”

Never had Josh thought that Tyler could open his mouth and say something that Josh would hate, but here it is. In this moment, he is hit by a freight train of hate – for those words falling so carelessly from Tyler’s lips, for that woman and her stupid assumption that it is her right to judge other people’s happiness, for the Bible and those who read it into something they can use to break them apart, for this whole stupid world and this whole stupid society because all Josh wants to do is kiss the tears off Tyler’s cheeks without worrying about offending the family walking down the sidewalk towards them.

“Tyler,” Josh begins, without knowing what he’s saying or where he’s going but knowing that he must make Tyler understand that he’s wrong, he’s wrong, he’s _wrong._ “Ty, no. Don’t ever – don’t you ever say anything like that again. It’s not about deserving or ‘better’ or whatever. It’s not – and it’s never been – about that.”

“But you don’t _deserve_ this, Josh!” Tyler says loudly, and his voice is hitching and he’s finally looking at Josh and there are tears and there is pain and Josh feels like he might puke. “You don’t deserve to be treated like that, Josh! And it’s – it’s because of me. If you weren’t – if we weren’t – ”

Tyler chokes off and Josh has to take a moment to process what he’s just heard. How Tyler, precious, fucking _perfect_ Tyler, thinks he is responsible for the things that a broken society puts them through. How Tyler is falling apart over the thought of Josh being mistreated, not even thinking of the way that he’s been equally degraded. Josh wants to scream or something, maybe push that lady up against a wall and yell in her face that Tyler deserves the world and she has no right to take even the smallest fraction of that away from him.

“It’s just so fucking stupid, Josh,” Tyler begins again, and his voice is angry, and broken, and _Tyler Tyler love no Tyler_ is all Josh can think. “Just – you should be able to kiss the person you’re with, without people judging and calling you names and making you feel bad. And – and if you were with a girl – if you weren’t with me – it wouldn’t be like that.”

“Ty,” Josh breaks in, because he has to say something. He has to. “Tyler. Have you considered that maybe I feel the same exact way? That woman back there, she was treating both of us badly, not just me. I _hate_ that. Don’t you get that every single day, every single day when we’re together, I’m wishing I could protect you from that, or even better, that I didn’t have to, that the world could just be a fucking decent place and let us be happy together? I want that for you, Ty, so bad, but – “

But Tyler is shaking his head and Josh kind of wishes he could kiss away the crumpled pain on his face. “It’s not the same, Josh,” and suddenly Josh knows exactly where this is going. “Because – because for you it doesn’t have to be this way – but for me – for me – “

This is the first time they’ve breached this topic since before they were together. It just never seemed to matter that while Tyler was 100% gay, Josh identified in the bi spectrum. But now, suddenly, in a flash of clarity, Josh understands why Tyler is struggling with this so much. Because in Tyler’s eyes, his love will always be wrong to the world, will always be judged and ridiculed and rejected by _someone._ But the way Tyler sees it, Josh has the chance to escape that, to live a “normal” life without the pain and uncertainty of being an out gay couple.

Josh understands the logic, and he _hates_ it.

Because by that logic, Tyler thinks that Josh’s love for him is somehow changeable, replaceable, something that he can just throw away because loving a boy is too _hard._ In Tyler’s mind, _he_ is replaceable in Josh’s life. And that just isn’t the case.

Because how can Josh explain loving Tyler? How can he put it into words? The way he feels when he pulls up to pick up Tyler from school and the boy waves at him in the early morning mist. How his chest feels like it might crack open from affection when they’re just sitting at the kitchen table doing homework and he looks over at Tyler, lost in concentration. The feeling of absolute and complete awe when he hears Tyler sing, gifting him with those tentative words that he’s wrestled into life, knowing that Tyler is trusting him with more than just his heart but rather everything he is. 

He loves Tyler like he needs air. He needs their late night phone calls and holding hands under desks and quick kisses in empty classrooms and afternoon naps in each other’s arms and he needs Tyler’s warmth, more than he needs food or water or the clothes on his back. Tyler has always told Josh that he is his sun. To Josh, Tyler is every kind of warm, every kind of fire but without the devastation or the burn. He is bright and kind and Josh would not give up loving him for the world.

“Ty, you’ve got it all wrong,” Josh says softly, stepping forward so he’s right in front of Tyler and the other boy has no choice but to look at him. “You think that this is something that I’m choosing, that this is something I could walk away from. But there’s – there’s not a frickin’ chance, love. Loving you – it’s a part of me. I can’t change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to.”

He smiles slightly and Tyler lets out a little laugh, and Josh wants to cry because that sound is the most important thing in this universe. “Are you really quoting Macklemore?” Tyler asks, in a slightly exasperated voice. But too soon the smile slips and he ends up looking down again, and Josh feels his heart drop.

“I’m serious though, Ty,” Josh murmurs, and he can’t help but reach out and stroke Tyler’s cheek with his knuckle. God, this boy is beautiful. “I don’t want to love a girl. I don’t want to love another boy. I don’t want to love anyone but you. It isn’t even – it’s not about my sexuality or who I prefer. None of that even matters anymore, because no matter who I’m surrounded by – fuck, Ty, all I see is you.”

Tyler is still looking down, but when he finally raises his head, Josh can see his eyes glistening, and when he speaks in a near-whisper, his voice wavers painfully. “I just – I hate it, that they’ll hurt you and say those things about you and stare just because you’re with me.”

Josh can’t stand not being close to Tyler anymore. He steps forward all the way, his feet on either side of Tyler’s and his gloved hands coming up to capture that face that makes his heart stutter, and he presses their foreheads together so that they are breathing in the same air. Tyler won’t look him in the eye and there are tears still falling softly down his cheeks, but he raises his hands and gently grabs Josh’s wrists, just holding on.

“Tyler, love, none of that matters to me,” Josh begins, and he does everything he can to keep his own voice from wavering. Because as they stand there in the snow shivering on this unfamiliar street in the middle of New York on Christmas Eve as the street lamps buzz and life goes on and people believe, he is overwhelmed by how little he cares about all of it, compared to how he feels about the boy in his arms. “What matters to me is that – you keep me warm, Ty. You’re like my own personal camp fire, keeping me warm and bringing me home and just making everything okay. What matters is that you know my favorite word, and how I feel about my job, and my middle name.”

Josh feels like he might cry from the force of his affection, but Tyler is starting to smile through his tears and that, that is _all_ that fucking matters, ever. “Joshua William Dun,” Tyler murmurs, sniffling slightly.

Josh smiles, but he’s not done yet. “And what matters is that I know you too, Ty,” he continues, pulling Tyler even closer to him. “I know that you fall in love too easily and that you think I smell like safety, and home, and I know what your favorite meal is and that the only person in the world that you love more than me is your mom – ”

“It’s a close one,” Tyler interrupts, frowning, but Josh just shakes his head.

“We are each other’s home, Ty,” he whispers, and he really might cry, he really might. “And if people fucking stare, it’s because we look so good together. I wouldn’t trade this – you – for anything, Tyler. You keep me warm. You’re everything.”

Tyler is crying now, and Josh kisses away the salt. They rest against each other and Tyler curls his hands in the collar of Josh’s jacket. And the thing is, Josh knows it’s cold, can feel the bite on his cheeks and nose, but he feels warm. Because he has Tyler wrapped in his arms, and that’s all he’ll ever need.

“I love you so much,” Tyler whispers, pushing as close to Josh as he can. “Fuck the haters. I just need you.”

Josh laughs silently, and okay, maybe he’s crying a little. “That’s right, fuck them.”

And when they finally kiss, Josh forgets the snow and the soft-lit street and bitter old ladies and the injustice of the world.

It is like being lit on fire, only without the burn.

**Author's Note:**

> actually not based off of Same Love but actually the song She Keeps Me Warm by Mary Lambert, which she released after Same Love came out. actually everyone just go listen to Mary Lambert because she has some fucking amazing stuff
> 
> anyway listening to this song on repeat all day made me emotional and inspired to write a fic so here you lil nuggets go, some good angsty NYC christmas eve fluff. 
> 
> also a lot of really blatant references to the inspiring song so yes thank you mary lambert for your lyrics i'm sorry i chopped them up and put them in here but anyway yes here you go
> 
> also last thing i know the song is about two girls in love, i just tweaked it a lil bit


End file.
